The mid-life crisis is most often viewed as a desperate attempt to cling to youth. But i think that most of the mid-life crisis variations are about a transition from the illusions of your youth to the reality of life: literal disillusionment. Some of the realizations that you must confront are bleak: yes, you are going to die some day; no, you are not going to realize all of your dreams. Others are just sort of depressing. You are officially too old to be referred to as a wunderkind. You are no longer eligible to win the Fields Medal. You've passed a point where your body is not going to maintain itself.
The hard part though, at least for me, is the more mundane stuff. By the time you reach 40+, your degree of career success is fairly apparent, so if you're not recognized among your peers it's probably not because you haven't blossomed yet. Any physical imperfections are no longer diminished by youth, so if you were beauty-challenged to begin with you can't fool yourself into believing that you are "quirky" or "alternative". You're just ugly. If you haven't taken the risks you wish you had, you probably aren't going to.
What you're left with are self-imposed challenges that mean little to the rest of the world (i run marathons and do martial arts). And if you're lucky like me, you have family. You can't take credit for your family, but if they love you and you love them then they contribute in some intangible way to your self-esteem. Being that middle-aged dude who lives alone in a studio apartment and talks about his "girlfriend" would be suicidally depressing to me.
But you realize at some point in your growth process that it's all illusion, even the things you hold most dear. This is, i think, the mid-life crisis, and it happens in mid-life because that's the first point in your life where your fear of the unknown is overridden by the knowledge that there are worse things than death . You have to tear down all of the elaborate mental framework you've built up over the years, and then find something useful to build out of it. If you can, i suspect that your later years can be a time of self-realization and enlightenment. If you can't, your later years are a tedious series of near-identical days that you eventually hope will simply end.
If all this sounds vaguely Buddhist, that's not really my intention. I don't claim any sort of awakening has or will occur. In fact, i feel that it's the opposite in the sense that i have no greater understanding of reality, except the realization that it is and will probably remain elusive. Not only do we have these pitiful excuses for sensory organs that allow us to only vaguely and partially sample our environment, but we cling to primitive models of interaction to make sense of our human relationships: faith, trust, morality, family, religion. All in all i love life and am grateful for the opportunity to have existed; but that doesn't mean that it will have mattered.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
Sub Three
This last week marked the first week in a 24 week training program for my next marathon. My goal for the this one (Carlsbad Marathon, Jan. 21) is a bit ambitious: i want to break 3 hours. Sub three hour marathons are not rare by any stretch, but for me it's going to be a serious challenge. First, it's more than 15 minutes better than my current PR, which is a huge jump. Second, i'm not really built to run fast. Although i'm down to around 10% body fat, i still weigh in at about 180, which is about 50 pounds heavier than elite runners. Finally, i'll be 43 by that time.
The first step in my preparation has been to try to lose weight. I'm shooting for about 175, and around 8% body fat by race time. So far that's been hard, though i've managed to lose almost 5 pounds. The program i'm trying to follow is from Pete Pfitzinger's "Advanced Marathoning". It ranges from about 50 to 70 miles per week. That's a bit more mileage than i'm used to, but i think training volume is going to be key. I know i can run the sub 3 pace for a half, so the trick is going to be to get myself confident that i can maintain it past 20. However, doing 10-15 mile runs mid-week is going to be hard to maintain.
My first week was mixed. I did a really nice 7 miler on Thursday. I felt relaxed and finished right around 50 minutes, which is just a touch slower than my necessary marathon pace. I did a slow but OK 10 miler on Friday, and an adequate recovery run on Saturday. But my 13 mile run yesterday was a chore. Doesn't help that i was up late Saturday and drank too much, but still i'd have hoped for an easier run. This part of the program is an endurance "mesocycle", so i mostly just run a lot of miles. Not much VO2 max stuff until later. The only speed work at this time is some 100m strides built in to the Tuesday run.
I'm not sure if i can deal with making several attempts at this goal, as i did with Boston qualifying. Given the step up in mileage, training duration, speed, etc.; i can't imagine doing this every year until i succeed. I guess it will depend to a certain extent on how close i get. If i miss by a minute, i might be motivated to try again. If i miss by 10, it'll be hard to justify.
The first step in my preparation has been to try to lose weight. I'm shooting for about 175, and around 8% body fat by race time. So far that's been hard, though i've managed to lose almost 5 pounds. The program i'm trying to follow is from Pete Pfitzinger's "Advanced Marathoning". It ranges from about 50 to 70 miles per week. That's a bit more mileage than i'm used to, but i think training volume is going to be key. I know i can run the sub 3 pace for a half, so the trick is going to be to get myself confident that i can maintain it past 20. However, doing 10-15 mile runs mid-week is going to be hard to maintain.
My first week was mixed. I did a really nice 7 miler on Thursday. I felt relaxed and finished right around 50 minutes, which is just a touch slower than my necessary marathon pace. I did a slow but OK 10 miler on Friday, and an adequate recovery run on Saturday. But my 13 mile run yesterday was a chore. Doesn't help that i was up late Saturday and drank too much, but still i'd have hoped for an easier run. This part of the program is an endurance "mesocycle", so i mostly just run a lot of miles. Not much VO2 max stuff until later. The only speed work at this time is some 100m strides built in to the Tuesday run.
I'm not sure if i can deal with making several attempts at this goal, as i did with Boston qualifying. Given the step up in mileage, training duration, speed, etc.; i can't imagine doing this every year until i succeed. I guess it will depend to a certain extent on how close i get. If i miss by a minute, i might be motivated to try again. If i miss by 10, it'll be hard to justify.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Mom
Yesterday was an interesting day, in that "May you live in interesting times" sort of way. Normally i probably would have done a blog entry on the Floyd Landis situation. Last night i also had dinner with my martial arts instructor and our Sifu in celebration of my brown sash.
But the major event of the day was that my mom had emergency heart bypass surgery. It seems at this point that she's going to be OK, but she had to have at least a triple bypass so she's in for a long recovery. At 68 i realize that she isn't an unusual candidate for such surgery, but it's still hard for me to imagine. I don't really think of my parents as old even though they're retired and approaching 70. They don't have old-people habits and demeanor quite yet.
My mom is almost the same age as her father was when he died (of a stroke). Her mother is still alive and kicking in her mid 90s though. I always figured mom for the type who, like my grandmother, would live way beyond the normal life span just because she gets a lot out of life. I suppose it doesn't really work that way though. I don't really know at this point what the consequences of major heart surgery are. Obviously, she's not going to be running marathons and scaling mountains any time soon, but i don't really know how recoverable this kind of heart damage is.
But the major event of the day was that my mom had emergency heart bypass surgery. It seems at this point that she's going to be OK, but she had to have at least a triple bypass so she's in for a long recovery. At 68 i realize that she isn't an unusual candidate for such surgery, but it's still hard for me to imagine. I don't really think of my parents as old even though they're retired and approaching 70. They don't have old-people habits and demeanor quite yet.
My mom is almost the same age as her father was when he died (of a stroke). Her mother is still alive and kicking in her mid 90s though. I always figured mom for the type who, like my grandmother, would live way beyond the normal life span just because she gets a lot out of life. I suppose it doesn't really work that way though. I don't really know at this point what the consequences of major heart surgery are. Obviously, she's not going to be running marathons and scaling mountains any time soon, but i don't really know how recoverable this kind of heart damage is.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Brown
It took me quite a while, but i finally managed to take and pass the brown sash test at my martial arts school last night. I became the first adult brown sash at my branch of the school. The test was only about 1 1/2 hours long, but it was very exhausting. My arms and legs still hurt today. I think this test is so hard because of the abdundance of weapons forms and techniques.
Even though i figure i've got close to two years more to reach my black sash, i feel like this was an important milestone if only because i can more easily imagine reaching the black sash level now. It took me almost 4 years to reach this level, so i sort of imagine this as being my bachelor's degree and now i get to start on my master's degree.
Even though i figure i've got close to two years more to reach my black sash, i feel like this was an important milestone if only because i can more easily imagine reaching the black sash level now. It took me almost 4 years to reach this level, so i sort of imagine this as being my bachelor's degree and now i get to start on my master's degree.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Reporting To Me
After a few years off from the people-management thing, i find myself back in a technical management role. Why, i don't know. I really thought that i was done with that, because i didn't really like it much the last time 'round. It's not that i especially suck at it, it's just that i'm not sure i believe in hierarchical decision-making structures. There are times when it's convenient or more efficient to have an individual who must make the final decision, but i'm not sure that it leads to better decisions.
So far the hardest part this time is hiring people. There seems to be a dearth of really good Java programmers, especially those who have strong analytical capabilities. I get a lot of alphabet soup on resumes, but problem-solving skill is hard to come by. My company's interview procedure involves solving a relatively simple programming problem, and so far 4 of the 5 interviewees that i've had for senior positions have totally failed at it (we hired the 5th). This is *not* a hard problem. I posed the problem to my wife, who admittedly is quite intelligent but not a programmer, and she was able to describe a correct procedure for solving the problem without even benefit of pen and paper.
What's odder still is the many of these folks are very bright. They can conjure up obscure facts or calculations that are essentially irrelevant to the problem. What they lack is not intelligence, but some skill or trait that enables them to get to the point. They seem to have no apparatus for starting the problem. It's kind of like when my younger son Henry started playing soccer. He would quickly score 3 goals at the beginning of the game and they'd make him stop scoring. It wasn't that he was that much better at soccer, it's just that he seemed to understand the point of the game better.
Boy, i still really hate meetings too. Like a lot of companies these days we've got multiple management perspectives: the management of engineering, the management of projects, and the management of products. That basically means that any given engineer must deal with, at a minimum, 1 + 2 *(number of projects) people who can potentially call for meetings. At the technical management level that expands to the projects of everybody that reports to you, so basically life sucks.
My main motivation for this move were, i guess: 1) i liked the guy i worked for and he moved up, 2) i honestly think that the part of the business i work in is interesting and i hope to have some influence on it. Or maybe it's just because i'm old and it sounds better to say that i'm in middle management rather than a code monkey.
So far the hardest part this time is hiring people. There seems to be a dearth of really good Java programmers, especially those who have strong analytical capabilities. I get a lot of alphabet soup on resumes, but problem-solving skill is hard to come by. My company's interview procedure involves solving a relatively simple programming problem, and so far 4 of the 5 interviewees that i've had for senior positions have totally failed at it (we hired the 5th). This is *not* a hard problem. I posed the problem to my wife, who admittedly is quite intelligent but not a programmer, and she was able to describe a correct procedure for solving the problem without even benefit of pen and paper.
What's odder still is the many of these folks are very bright. They can conjure up obscure facts or calculations that are essentially irrelevant to the problem. What they lack is not intelligence, but some skill or trait that enables them to get to the point. They seem to have no apparatus for starting the problem. It's kind of like when my younger son Henry started playing soccer. He would quickly score 3 goals at the beginning of the game and they'd make him stop scoring. It wasn't that he was that much better at soccer, it's just that he seemed to understand the point of the game better.
Boy, i still really hate meetings too. Like a lot of companies these days we've got multiple management perspectives: the management of engineering, the management of projects, and the management of products. That basically means that any given engineer must deal with, at a minimum, 1 + 2 *(number of projects) people who can potentially call for meetings. At the technical management level that expands to the projects of everybody that reports to you, so basically life sucks.
My main motivation for this move were, i guess: 1) i liked the guy i worked for and he moved up, 2) i honestly think that the part of the business i work in is interesting and i hope to have some influence on it. Or maybe it's just because i'm old and it sounds better to say that i'm in middle management rather than a code monkey.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Nineteen Years
Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. It seems almost impossible that it has been that long. There are people born on my wedding day who are now high-school graduates and who probably think of themselves as real, full-grown human beings. They can vote and drive. When i was married the Internet was the Arpanet and nobody had thought of HTML yet. Ronald Reagan was president. Ronald Reagan! That was two George Bushes ago!
Friday, June 09, 2006
Dixie Chicks
There's a news story out about how the Dixie Chicks are seeing slow ticket sales in some markets for their latest tour, apparently due to fans who are still unhappy with their comments disparaging President Bush. Some folks think this is a triumph of "vote with your wallet" politics, though their album had fairly brisk sales in its release week. Personally, i think it's an indication that a bunch of country music fans are brainless goobers who have replaced rational thought with regional group-think.
Dixie Chicks have produced some of the best music in mainstream country over the last decade, and their new album (Taking The Long Way) is very, very good. It's not musically groundbreaking, and it's not overtly political in some Peet Seeger-esque folk music tradition. But all of the songs are very solid, and some are excellent. The track "Not Ready To Make Nice" has some of the angriest lyrics since whenever the last Rage Against the Machine album came out, but it's also a personal and sincere anger, not just a diatribe.
Country music has produced a number of jingoistic anthems in recent years (even before 9/11). I can dig the sentiment, but the music has consistently sucked (though i sort of like Toby Keith's "boot in the ass" song). The point is: country music fans can't have it both ways. Either this style of music is just a vehicle for propaganda and commercial jingles, or it's an earnest attempt to make something interesting or beautiful. As a fan, i think it's the latter; but if so then you can't dismiss the music simply because it doesn't match your ideology.
Dixie Chicks have produced some of the best music in mainstream country over the last decade, and their new album (Taking The Long Way) is very, very good. It's not musically groundbreaking, and it's not overtly political in some Peet Seeger-esque folk music tradition. But all of the songs are very solid, and some are excellent. The track "Not Ready To Make Nice" has some of the angriest lyrics since whenever the last Rage Against the Machine album came out, but it's also a personal and sincere anger, not just a diatribe.
Country music has produced a number of jingoistic anthems in recent years (even before 9/11). I can dig the sentiment, but the music has consistently sucked (though i sort of like Toby Keith's "boot in the ass" song). The point is: country music fans can't have it both ways. Either this style of music is just a vehicle for propaganda and commercial jingles, or it's an earnest attempt to make something interesting or beautiful. As a fan, i think it's the latter; but if so then you can't dismiss the music simply because it doesn't match your ideology.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Al-Zarqawi
Al-Zarqawi was an evil bastard and i'm glad he's dead (now if only we could direct two 500-pound bombs on to Fred Phelps). However, i found it really strange that they had a large, framed photograph of al-Zarqawi at the press conference. I understand that it's important to present proof that al-Zarqawi is dead, but the photo was kind of creepy. Had they shown the image digitally or given it to the news organizations to show in an inset, it would have seemed less strange i think. The poster-size, framed photo they were using in the press conference was the modern day equivalent of mounting the enemy's head on the top of your keep wall. Which, i'm sure, was the intent. But still.
There's probably a certain psychological benefit in killing al-Zarqawi, both within Iraq and here in the states. But can anyone really believe that it makes a significant difference? Does anyone feel that the Iraqi insurgency was organized along the lines of a typical military establishment or nation-state, so that killing the leader disrupts the whole organism? Perhaps i've been reading too much Global Guerillas, but to think that this was like killing Hitler or even Saddam seems mistaken. John Robb on GG calls Zarqawi a "violence capitalist", an idea that i can understand. He wasn't like the CEO of a multinational corporation; he was like a venture capitalist who directed resources and ideas toward people who were already willing to undertake the work. Eliminating him will definitely leave a temporary void in the enterprise of terrorism, but you can't spur chaos where chaos is the method of choice.
There's probably a certain psychological benefit in killing al-Zarqawi, both within Iraq and here in the states. But can anyone really believe that it makes a significant difference? Does anyone feel that the Iraqi insurgency was organized along the lines of a typical military establishment or nation-state, so that killing the leader disrupts the whole organism? Perhaps i've been reading too much Global Guerillas, but to think that this was like killing Hitler or even Saddam seems mistaken. John Robb on GG calls Zarqawi a "violence capitalist", an idea that i can understand. He wasn't like the CEO of a multinational corporation; he was like a venture capitalist who directed resources and ideas toward people who were already willing to undertake the work. Eliminating him will definitely leave a temporary void in the enterprise of terrorism, but you can't spur chaos where chaos is the method of choice.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Memorial Day Weekend
We spent the holiday weekend in Phoenix, driving over Friday night and returning yesterday. It was surprisingly mild in Phoenix, below 100 even during the middle of the day. On Saturday we spent most of the day at my sister-in-law's house, swimming in her pool and making food. We had a barbecue in the afternoon with some of her friends and some long-time friends from the local Filipino community.
In the evening we got the UFC 60 pay-per-view so that we could see the Hughes-Gracie fight. It was a bit of a disappointment, with Hughes winning near the end of the first round by TKO. It was a very strange fight, going to the ground earlier than i figured it would, Hughes unable to complete an arm-bar on Gracie despite having his arm well locked and bent, then Gracie giving up his back to Hughes. There were a couple of good undercard fights though, in particular the submission win by Dean Lister.
Went to see the X-Men movie on Sunday afternoon, which i found a bit boring. The emotional center of these movies (for me) is Magneto, and he totally went nuts in this chapter. When you lose sympathy with his viewpoint, the movies are just shoot-em-ups. And nobody except the innocent bystanders ever dies, so who cares? There were a couple of hot new mutants, but then again i like chicks with tattoos.
Emily and i spent Sunday night at the Hermosa Inn, a small hotel in the Paradise Valley area. It's a lovely little place and we had an excellent dinner at the restaurant, Lon's. The hotel is built around the former home of cowboy artist Lon Megargee, hence the name of the restaurant. As much as i love my kids, it was nice to have some time alone.
In the evening we got the UFC 60 pay-per-view so that we could see the Hughes-Gracie fight. It was a bit of a disappointment, with Hughes winning near the end of the first round by TKO. It was a very strange fight, going to the ground earlier than i figured it would, Hughes unable to complete an arm-bar on Gracie despite having his arm well locked and bent, then Gracie giving up his back to Hughes. There were a couple of good undercard fights though, in particular the submission win by Dean Lister.
Went to see the X-Men movie on Sunday afternoon, which i found a bit boring. The emotional center of these movies (for me) is Magneto, and he totally went nuts in this chapter. When you lose sympathy with his viewpoint, the movies are just shoot-em-ups. And nobody except the innocent bystanders ever dies, so who cares? There were a couple of hot new mutants, but then again i like chicks with tattoos.
Emily and i spent Sunday night at the Hermosa Inn, a small hotel in the Paradise Valley area. It's a lovely little place and we had an excellent dinner at the restaurant, Lon's. The hotel is built around the former home of cowboy artist Lon Megargee, hence the name of the restaurant. As much as i love my kids, it was nice to have some time alone.
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